....And I can bake scones

Guardian Soulmates - The thinking man’s online dating website. Since joining this particular forum for meeting gentleman, I have had a questionable experience. Maybe it is because any online dating forum is completely backwards in its approach to getting people to meet, maybe because it makes you more shallow than you consider yourself to be in real life, maybe it is because I am an ineffective communicator. But to date, I have only had 2 out of 8 people respond to emails I have sent.  

The first started some banter, but failed and continue, the second, I tried to get an in by asking about where I should go for a snow holiday which he has provided a response, but there has been no further or forthcoming offers to meet.

It puzzles me why I am having so few responses, when, as according to their description of their ideal match, I more than often meet part to all of their description. Common qualities include: confidence (tick), easy-going (tick) female (tick). Note: none of the profiles have stated ‘I am after superhot midget with golden hair that speaks the Queen’s English. Not one states that.

Given the little success, I thought I should share with you an example of the profile of one such gentleman and my email sent....

1fromupnorth – man, 34, South London, height-appropriate, gingeish. His profile reads:

Hello
Mmm... Yeah, okay. Dead easy this part right? Really simple. Err... I'm convinced that it's better to chat over a bottle of red than blah blah blah on here so I'm not going to write too much.
What you can know about me at this point is that I like, in no particular order, listening to music, playing music, watching people do musical things (normally called a gig or concert), working in music, making things to eat, eating them, freezing them, defrosting them, eating them again, the cinema (but not as a date), Sam Smiths pubs, keeping fit (when I can be bothered), sitting in the sun (not very often at this time of year), parks in the rain, the Sunday papers, radio 4, radio 6, radio 5, the x factor (but mainly the auditions), my alarm clock, my Mac, my iPod, my blackberry, my bed, my kettle, my tiny flat, things that make me laugh, Ghostbusters, reading, taking ages to read one book, South London, North London, East London (when it's not too trendy), festivals (but not the recovery process) cups of tea, cups of coffee, the smell of creosote on a wooden fence and wood pigeons.

I'll come back and add more when I can work out what I'm trying to say

He describes his ideal match thus:

You will be female. That would be a good start. You'll enjoy at least 5 things from my about me section. Did I mention the you will be female part? God this is stupid. I don't know. You'll be 'nice'?? You might not be. Oh, you'll probably not be on the rebound. Female? etc...

On reading this, I thought to myself, I can piss this one in. My email was thus:

Dear Sir,
As I sit here waiting for my steak to cook, I thought I would respond to your ad. On the selection criteria:
Music – yes, I am listening to music now in fact, you may or may not like it – Band of Horses?
Making this to eat etc – yes, to all of the before mentioned – oh, shit, my steak.... it’s okay
Sammy Smith pubs – conveniently, I work right near 3
Keeping fit – yes, may as well, you can eat more this way
Taking ages to read one book – yes, papers are much easier and I will add, giving up on too many books this year. I have made some poor choices
South London – yes, pleasingly, its home
My kettle is in the likeness of a cow, a gift from Italy – so yes
Tea – refer to profile
Female – tick
Now it is crisis time with the steak so I am off. Hope to hear from you, but if not, enjoy and have fun.
With Kind Regards,
Jai

This is example taken from the ‘no reply forthcoming’ outbox. I therefore seek from you some views on where I might be going wrong and I welcome suggestions for improvement. In the meanwhile, I will preserver with my unique blend of sass and hilarity, a blend that I am fast concluding is not the way forward.

In closing – check me out at http://dating.guardian.co.uk/s/ - online dating identity ‘ThisisJai’

The Nu Media

To My Dear Friends,

In the twilight of my youth, I have come to the realisation that change does not happen; it is initiated, sometimes though a project, following the PRINCE2 methodology none the less. On other occasions, change happens through a series of haphazard fuck-ups or poorly thought through actions. This is Me sharing with you what it takes in initiate change. The focus is on what it takes to find a gentleman to take me out on a date.

After a bitterly disappointing text message that cancelled not one but two dates, I set a challenge. The challenge is to have one date arranged by the end of this month, October. Not fucking hard right? Wrong! After two weeks for fruitless attempts at getting attention though all your normal channels, I am today looking at the abstract. I begin with the situation that led to the establishment of this, Broke but not Broken.

Day 21 October 2010: Office Communicator - The of the shelf solution to every public sector departments dilemma of how to get colleagues who sit within a few metres talking to each other, about business, and strategy, and spending, business. Not today Mr Microsoft, not anymore, Office Communicator is the ‘Nu Online Date-Arranging Media. So no one in your office is going to think you are craze when send a communicator message to a random gentleman in another office of your workplace who you only first met the day before because he was down in London facilitating training that you attended with eyelashes batting. Not weird anymore. Matter of Fact – see below.

Experiment One: Ask a colleague out on a date using Office Communicator

Aim: Get a date

Method: Wait until 5pm and send message, ‘So next time your in London would you like to get together for a tipple?’

Results: Encouraging under the conditions, with an apprehensive acceptance after small banter to make it sound like a charitable offering.

Success Measures: Actually, charitable offering becoming a date. This will take more work.

The October date is therefore still to be achieved.  

With Kind Regards,

missjaijai