This is a random act of affection

Actions speak louder than words – but what does a combination amount to? Not fucking sure yet myself, but if the universe does what it meant to, it should pay out in me picking up some hot-arse fellas.

The idea of delivering a random act of affection came to me when I was following (not in a freaky pervy way) a reasonable-looking ginger up Rye Lane to the train station. After having seen this particular chap on a number of occasions, I started to think to myself, how can I get his attention – if my smokin’ hot dress/hair combination is not doing it?

BAM! It came to me, random act of affection – a modest note proclaiming.... something.... possibly just ‘BAM, you have just received a random act of affection’. If nothing else, he would definitely know that I was having a bit of a look and if he was interested, he would have an in to start up some chat. Brilliant, yes.

Ideas are one thing, actions, another. Paralysed by the indecision and perceived complexities around how I could face Peckham Rye station every morning if he were not to reciprocate, I neglected to make this move. And so the new weapon in the war on no dates was left in waiting...

London Bridge – the screen of nothing significant to my knowledge, except the compelling urge to leave random acts. It was not however the reasonable ginge who was the recipient of my first random act, but a non-descript brunette, so non-descript that this is the best I can offer in the way of a description. With a three station window of opportunity, I took out my pink post-it note pad and oversized pencil and drafted the note:

This is a random act of affection. Should you be interested in what this means for you – contact missjaijai on (blar).

Folded in it half, gave it a 'Have a great night (smiley face)' for good measure and waited. On arrival at Peckham, stood, stuck the post-it notes to the newspaper he was reading and left the coach.

Then what you ask..... Well, T-2 hours on from the random act, I am yet to receive a response. If determination won more than the coach’s award in netball, I would definitely be a winner. Sadly at this stage, effort is not translating to achievement. However, this will not stop me from having a random crack – why the fuck would it?!

Note in closing: I am becoming increasing unsure if my ‘efforts’ would be considered by most as ‘grasping at straws’ or be considered more like ‘losing grip of reality’. Either way, the process is pretty fucking funny, right?

Operation 007: The Business Account

After several months of quiet reflection on the failings of my attempts to online date, I thought it best to go back to the old faithful - use office communication tools to have a crack on dudes at work.


Target: JS - Ofsted's Hunk of Man winner 2010 (according to me anyways). Otherwise known as 007. I am The Business (naturally):


Email sent 13:21 – The Business to 007


Hi there Jonathan,


I have a random and slightly cheeky favour to ask.... are you, or anyone in your team, able to certify documents? I am attempting to open a new bank account, and to do so, I need some papers certified by either 'a Solicitor, Accountant or Bank Official'. Sadly, I do not really know any folks over here that dabble in these professions.


So, if you can certify docs (and would not mind helping me get on the fast-track to big savings with a cool 2.9% interest rate), would it be possible for me to come down to get your scribble on a couple of pieces of paper??


No worries either way, I just thought it worth asking (smiley face)
Thanks for your time, and with luck, your help!


Cheers,
Jaime


Reply received 15:37 – 007 to The Business


Hi Jamie,


You would be right in thinking that I can sign off your application form. If you have the docs with you today I’ll be happy to sign if you come to the 6th floor.


J


Apprehensively, The Business applied lip colour and boofed up….. my hair…. and proceeded down to two flights of stares to where 007 was located. Noticing immediately that he was on the phone, I lingered awkwardly around the desk. 007 gestured something, in code The Business could not understand, forcing 007 to stop his conversation and tell me he will call me when he is done. Sheepishly, The Business left.


Office Commuicator – 007 to The Business
Finally, I'm off the phone. Do you want to pop down again?
On arrival, the presence of The Business seemed to nerve 007, making him lost for words as to what to write on the forms. Colleagues jeered then left The Business and 007 alone to get the job done. In finishing the document signing, 007 remarked: ‘I should probably leave my number in case they want to contact me.’ And proceeded to do so. Small banter prevailed, The Business thanked 007 kindly and went back to her desk.


Office Communicator – 007 to The Business
Just been chatting to my colleague. I think you might come unstuck at the bank. Apparently on the application form it says what I need to do and where to sign. Have you got the application form with you today? Just have a look.


Stupidly, The Business proceeded to Office Communicate:
Hummm, let me just check my emails and see what they sent me - give me a sec........


Okay there is a line on it that says the following.........


* Certified copies must have "Certified Original Sighted" written/stamped on them with the certification signed and dated by a Solicitor, Accountant or a Bank Official. You can send us original documents however, for security reasons, we do not recommend this.
Is this the kind of thing?


Realising in retrospect the correct course of action would have been to say: Found something, I will bring it down. BUT NO!!


The Business now sits, waiting, hoping that 007 will communicate again, but is unsure what to do next.


Finally, The Business sent this:

Sent: 16 February 2011 17:45

To: 007

Subject: RE: Random question

Hi Jonathan,

Thanks again for certifying the papers for me. I have attached a picture of a spider I stole from the internet. It was valued at AU$233.95 by the guy who tried to pay an overdue account with it. I hope this is sufficient remuneration for your services.

 

 

http://www.27bslash6.com/overdue.html

Alternatively, I could just buy you a beer sometime if you would be interested?

Cheers,

Jaime

From: 007

Sent: 17 February 2011 10:26

To: The Business

Subject: RE: Random question

Jamie,

That’s a lot of dosh for a spider who’s missing a leg, he has got a cheeky smile though.

Cheers 

J

(Lucky I finished at Ofsted on Friday - see ya later 007!)

Epic Fail?

Exhausted from fighting wars on two fronts, I entered my last week before the 31^st October with some remnants of optimism and dignity. The plan to ask out someone at the British Military Fit 5 & 10K challenge became an opportunity missed. While standing at the finish line, waiting for Green Tee-Shirt man to finish (the target I had picked out to be the recipient of the date offer) I struck up conversation with Matthew, from Peckham, who goes to my training club and who is reasonable attractive. But, with an eye firmly on the Green Tee-shirted prize, I neglected to see this as a perfect date offer opportunity. Fail.

After becoming aware of my failure, I persevered with using my number one and most convenient vehicle, Soulmates online. The following people have proven to be humourless and not-chivalrous in entertaining me as I did them with some banter: Haribo79, Armsandheart , Ray_451.

Halloween  Eve – Saturday 30 October. Opportunities galore it seemed as we ventured to some parties. Being ridiculous seems to be the appropriate behaviour of this night, so I got in the spirit, charming a tiny Italian gentleman on the dance floor. By the end of the night, I had it, the gold that I was looking for, the little Italian’s name and number in my phone. This was definitely a potential date and in the nick of time, it was 31 October. Violently hung and not actually awake, I wrote to the tiny Italian: ‘Hi There, I have an emerging plan to go and get a roast lunch today and this is your invite to join me in all the action if you are keen?’ – Not keen was the reply, after reading between the lines. Fail, Fail!

Desperate, I haled myself to the couch, allowed Amber to feed me and sent out emails to the only two remaining people I have actually had some conversions with on Soulmates.

To DMC7176, I wrote:

Thank you kindly for the recommendation Gez, I believe that Austria will be the way forward from here. Not before I unleash on Prague and Berlin for Christmas and New Years!
I also believe I should offer to buy you a beer for your troubles. If you would be interested in claiming this, let me know :)
Cheers,
Jai

To JockyWilsonSaid, I wrote:

Hi Chris,
I am not a CAMRA member, but thinking I should join up. I really do love a good ale. At the beer fest, I massive fan of the Jaipur IPA. I did not have the Oyster Stout, but I did go down to Whistable last years and had a good go at all of their beers. Back in Oz there are some great micro-breweries, Mountain Goat, Little Creatures and Hargrave Hill. If you see any of these around London, give them a go. I am always up for a beer, so if you did want to go get one sometime, let me know.

Have a good one,
Jai

Sunday 31 October passed without reply, and Monday. Epic Fail

But then, Tuesday, in my email box,

From JockyWilson Said:

Hi Jaime

(Blar Blar conversation on topics)

Would be great to meet up for a beer sometime but am pretty busy this week, how are you fixed for next week?

Good weekend?
Chris

Success(ish)! But what now.............

Oh, and for your information, I placed 5^th out of 168 girls in the before mentioned 5K run, not shit!

....And I can bake scones

Guardian Soulmates - The thinking man’s online dating website. Since joining this particular forum for meeting gentleman, I have had a questionable experience. Maybe it is because any online dating forum is completely backwards in its approach to getting people to meet, maybe because it makes you more shallow than you consider yourself to be in real life, maybe it is because I am an ineffective communicator. But to date, I have only had 2 out of 8 people respond to emails I have sent.  

The first started some banter, but failed and continue, the second, I tried to get an in by asking about where I should go for a snow holiday which he has provided a response, but there has been no further or forthcoming offers to meet.

It puzzles me why I am having so few responses, when, as according to their description of their ideal match, I more than often meet part to all of their description. Common qualities include: confidence (tick), easy-going (tick) female (tick). Note: none of the profiles have stated ‘I am after superhot midget with golden hair that speaks the Queen’s English. Not one states that.

Given the little success, I thought I should share with you an example of the profile of one such gentleman and my email sent....

1fromupnorth – man, 34, South London, height-appropriate, gingeish. His profile reads:

Hello
Mmm... Yeah, okay. Dead easy this part right? Really simple. Err... I'm convinced that it's better to chat over a bottle of red than blah blah blah on here so I'm not going to write too much.
What you can know about me at this point is that I like, in no particular order, listening to music, playing music, watching people do musical things (normally called a gig or concert), working in music, making things to eat, eating them, freezing them, defrosting them, eating them again, the cinema (but not as a date), Sam Smiths pubs, keeping fit (when I can be bothered), sitting in the sun (not very often at this time of year), parks in the rain, the Sunday papers, radio 4, radio 6, radio 5, the x factor (but mainly the auditions), my alarm clock, my Mac, my iPod, my blackberry, my bed, my kettle, my tiny flat, things that make me laugh, Ghostbusters, reading, taking ages to read one book, South London, North London, East London (when it's not too trendy), festivals (but not the recovery process) cups of tea, cups of coffee, the smell of creosote on a wooden fence and wood pigeons.

I'll come back and add more when I can work out what I'm trying to say

He describes his ideal match thus:

You will be female. That would be a good start. You'll enjoy at least 5 things from my about me section. Did I mention the you will be female part? God this is stupid. I don't know. You'll be 'nice'?? You might not be. Oh, you'll probably not be on the rebound. Female? etc...

On reading this, I thought to myself, I can piss this one in. My email was thus:

Dear Sir,
As I sit here waiting for my steak to cook, I thought I would respond to your ad. On the selection criteria:
Music – yes, I am listening to music now in fact, you may or may not like it – Band of Horses?
Making this to eat etc – yes, to all of the before mentioned – oh, shit, my steak.... it’s okay
Sammy Smith pubs – conveniently, I work right near 3
Keeping fit – yes, may as well, you can eat more this way
Taking ages to read one book – yes, papers are much easier and I will add, giving up on too many books this year. I have made some poor choices
South London – yes, pleasingly, its home
My kettle is in the likeness of a cow, a gift from Italy – so yes
Tea – refer to profile
Female – tick
Now it is crisis time with the steak so I am off. Hope to hear from you, but if not, enjoy and have fun.
With Kind Regards,
Jai

This is example taken from the ‘no reply forthcoming’ outbox. I therefore seek from you some views on where I might be going wrong and I welcome suggestions for improvement. In the meanwhile, I will preserver with my unique blend of sass and hilarity, a blend that I am fast concluding is not the way forward.

In closing – check me out at http://dating.guardian.co.uk/s/ - online dating identity ‘ThisisJai’

The Nu Media

To My Dear Friends,

In the twilight of my youth, I have come to the realisation that change does not happen; it is initiated, sometimes though a project, following the PRINCE2 methodology none the less. On other occasions, change happens through a series of haphazard fuck-ups or poorly thought through actions. This is Me sharing with you what it takes in initiate change. The focus is on what it takes to find a gentleman to take me out on a date.

After a bitterly disappointing text message that cancelled not one but two dates, I set a challenge. The challenge is to have one date arranged by the end of this month, October. Not fucking hard right? Wrong! After two weeks for fruitless attempts at getting attention though all your normal channels, I am today looking at the abstract. I begin with the situation that led to the establishment of this, Broke but not Broken.

Day 21 October 2010: Office Communicator - The of the shelf solution to every public sector departments dilemma of how to get colleagues who sit within a few metres talking to each other, about business, and strategy, and spending, business. Not today Mr Microsoft, not anymore, Office Communicator is the ‘Nu Online Date-Arranging Media. So no one in your office is going to think you are craze when send a communicator message to a random gentleman in another office of your workplace who you only first met the day before because he was down in London facilitating training that you attended with eyelashes batting. Not weird anymore. Matter of Fact – see below.

Experiment One: Ask a colleague out on a date using Office Communicator

Aim: Get a date

Method: Wait until 5pm and send message, ‘So next time your in London would you like to get together for a tipple?’

Results: Encouraging under the conditions, with an apprehensive acceptance after small banter to make it sound like a charitable offering.

Success Measures: Actually, charitable offering becoming a date. This will take more work.

The October date is therefore still to be achieved.  

With Kind Regards,

missjaijai